New job? Here’s some alcohol.
Another birthday? Here’s some alcohol.
Successfully bounced from a hellish first date? Here’s some alcohol.
You don’t have to worry if it fits, and she doesn’t care if she already has the same thing at home. Why? Ummm, it’s alcohol. It’s the perfect gift. It has, does and will ALWAYS work.
Until that bitch gets pregnant.
Whaddya mean pineapple infused vodka is a no-go while you’re making a human? Ugh.
Well it’s time to think outside the wine box. Looks like for the next 9 months you’re gonna have to gift your bestie with something other than a 6 pack. Here’s some of our fave ideas:
She’s gonna be like way extra hormonal. You know when you’re PMSing super hard and you want to murder people and sob uncontrollably when there’s not enough cilantro in your taco? Ya, pregger people are like that but on LSD. Get that baby maker some flowers. Deliver them to her work so she feels extra fucking special too. Don’t get her some sort of basic grocery store or 1-800-BULLSHIT, go get her some brag-worthy creation at No 9 Floral – Chocolates – Gifts. Who wouldn’t want something as ridiculously pretty as this in their face?
Pregnant bitches love snacks. I mean I’m not even pregnant and I am in a legit serious relationship with snacks. We’ve made it to second base. (Don’t ask) GIRL get her something that’s ridiculous cute and super fucking yummy. Okay, so basically I’ve described everything at 2tarts Bakery. Look at these macarons. OMG! You can give her something that tricks her into thinking you’re excited about her baby AND she can stick them all in her purse and binge eat them later when she’s freaking out about saving for college.
Even though you think she’s adorable AF with her baby belly, she’s not always going to feel that way. You’re going to think she looks like Beyonce doing magical baby flips under the water in a sea of chiffon…BUT she’s gonna feel like fat Val Kilmer dipped in mayo. Get her something to pair up with her preggo-wear that makes her feel as gorgeous as you see her. Something super bright and fun is ALWAYS perfect and can ALWAYS be found at The Girl General. These otomi bags are everything your greasy Val pal could ever want:
Oh we know we typed cider. Girl, this is when you just “fake it to take it.” Oh, you accidentally brought booze to the baby shower? What? It’s like juice bish! It literally says “apple” on the can. Oooops guess you’ll just have to take that 6 pack of Bishop Cider home and enjoy it by yourself. Oh I’m so sorry. Can’t wait to meet the baby though.