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Well Meaning Partner: “Honey, what can we get you for Mother’s Day? Please don’t say the undying love and appreciation of your family and a really long nap. You say that every year.”
Mom: “Oh, are you not picking up on the fact that there’s a trend? That’s literally what I want. Why even ask what I want?”
Well Meaning But Growing Frustrated Partner: “We want to buy you something. The kids want to buy you something. Anything. Come on help me out.”
It’s cool. We get it. You don’t want them to ASK what YOU want for Mother’s Day. First of all, you really just want a MF nap! While you’re napping if some extra hands can pitch in on your portion of the housework, that would be pretty bomb too. I mean it’s pretty fucking simple isn’t it? Well listen, as much as you want that, your herd of people really wants to disguise something in some crappy floral wrapping paper and watch you open it, while simultaneously judging your reaction to see if you truly do love them as much as you say you do.
We’re here to help.
We made you this handy dandy list that you can just hand over to your fart in front of each other squad to make it easy for them to get you something tangible for Mother’s Day. As much as you want to, please don’t also say “Here, are you happy now?” while passing it along. Not worth it. We tried.
Beer, wine, vodka, ethanol..by now they know your poison. It should be highly understood that you’re NOT sharing. Personally, I want an entire growler of beer to myself. See no sharing comment if you’re confused on whether I will drink it all. Fill it to the brim with 512 Brewing’s SMaSH IPA and you’ll have the happiest, long nappiest Mom in the world.
2. VACAY TIME
I don’t know how you’re gonna break this to them, because you totally mean…like, by yourself. Solo. Party of one. Lone Ranger. They’ll be shocked. Can’t you hear it now? “What will you do? Won’t you get bored? You don’t want us there?” Shhhhh. Just pull them close, hold them, and whisper in their tiny crusty ear holes: “It’s not me, it’s you.” Now please book me a weekend at Texas Bell Glamping and send me on my way, k? Or even a motel room near by. Honestly, just let me lock the bedroom door for like 2 hours, cool?
3. GIFT CARDS
So the last time you trusted them to shop for you, you were gifted with Croc’s and a Buccees shirt that was 3 sizes too big. Actually it was your husband’s size. Actually your husband just bought himself a fucking shirt. Happy Mother’s Day wife…here’s a shirt I bought for myself. Girl, they need to just get you a gift card. It can basically be to anywhere. We all give zero fucks about the store we’re shopping at, we’ve bought some really cute sandals at a grocery store before. That takes talent. You just need somewhere that you can be lost for hours, by yourself, not bothered, sipping on the humongous coffee you got for yourself, and possibly taking short breaks to pee un-bothered. You didn’t even have to pee, it was just too good to pass it up.
PS. We totally lied about caring where we shop. Please give us a gift card to No. 9. They have chocolate. I could literally eat chocolate while I’m shopping. This changes everything.
Happy Mother’s Day Campers. We got you.